Thoughts on being me.


Yesterday on my way home I was listening to NPR, as I am wont to do, and an author was speaking about her new collection of short stories. The author was interesting, but it wasn’t what she was saying that caught my attention; it was her voice that drew me in. This author had the most perfect, lovely, high-pitched feminine voice.
I have always wanted that voice. That Jennifer Tilly voice. That Snow White voice.

My voice is loud from years of theatre and singing; I have amazing projection skills. My voice is harsh at times. My voice is larger than life. My voice would never be described as feminine, or perfect, or even lovely. My voice is not a bad voice, but it is not that. As a high soprano I would often raise my speaking register for a role, so that it sounded more congruous with my singing voice.

But it wasn’t just the voice, it was the full package that I wanted. In my mind I could see the woman behind that voice. In my mind she is petite say 5’2” or so, fit but buxom (an hour glass figure), dark hair (always dark). Can you see her? It’s Jennifer Tilly, or Snow White.  That is who I wanted to be when I grew up, and that woman is still there in my head as what I wish I could be. (What's amazing is that it is a total delusion because Jennifer Tilly is taller than me. Ha.)
 

Here is the problem with that: I am 5’6”, my waist, hips and bust are essentially the same size, my wrist at it's smallest is 6.5 inches and my hair is brunette, but closer to an auburn or a mousy brown than to the heavy chestnut in my mind. I will never be that woman. I don’t even know that I want to be that woman really. But she lurks in the corner of my mind effecting my image of who I am, and who I am “supposed” to be.

So, how do you purge your mind of the ghost of the person you wished you could be? Obviously I am an adult person, so there is no chance that my genes are going to take a sudden left turn and I will develop into a totally different body type and shape. Let's be honest it would take major plastic surgery for me to completely change my body shape. I can lose weight and I can tone up, but then I will just be a thinner version of me. I will not magically morph into a totally other body shape.

Knowing all of this when I heard that beautiful voice coming through the speakers of my car I found myself pining for a me that has never existed, and will never exist.

I am larger than life. I talk, sing and laugh loud and hard.  I am rough and tumble. I am a witch down to my boots. I am bawdy. I am strong to a fault. I love with my entire being. I can lift more weight than it looks like I should be able to, and I am shockingly flexible. I have nieces who think I am amazing.  I love being me. I really do.

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